My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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