Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
