HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
