So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize