I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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