then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize