I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
