Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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