I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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