I wish my penis had an off switch
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
