1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
