so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
