the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
