I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
