I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
