I look better un-naked...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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