I wanna bring you to show and tell
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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