i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
