I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
