i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
