i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
