they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
