We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
