woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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