Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
