i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
