It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
