There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
