I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
