my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
