come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
