When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
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So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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