shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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