i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
