I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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