I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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