then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
