It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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