i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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