lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
