My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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