What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
