my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Holy sore nipples Batman
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
