Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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