Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize