I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
