I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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