This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
