well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
