Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
