Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
