I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
