Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
