Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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