The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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