I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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