THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
