I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
