so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
