it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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