3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
